A bit of help/advice?

DenizDesaad

Looking to submit a pitch soon, and trying to pick out a little opener/logline. Knowing nothing else about the project/story/art/characters, which of these 4 most interests you?

And if the ties that bind are also the ties that blind? What then?

And if gaining the truth meant giving up everything else...would you pay that price?

If the truth about a father can destroy a family, what might the truth about creation do to mankind?

Knowledge is like water; impossible to live without, but too much and you’ll drown in it.


Appreciate the help/feedback! Thanks in advance!

Jimmie_Robinson

If these are the choices then I *personally* would go with the second line.

Though I would change a few things in the line.

DenizDesaad

Thank you, sir! Any and all feedback is appreciated, so if you'd care to proffer specifics I'd be all ears!

(No pressure, of course, and I appreciate that you took the time to respond at all!)

marvinmann

And if the ties that bind are also the ties that blind?

I like this, its evocative.

I'd skip the second line  What then? Its assumed.

Jimmie_Robinson

To be more specific, if that line was to be used, I'd change it from....

And if gaining the truth meant giving up everything else...would you pay that price?

To this...

[character name] loses everything to reveal the truth, no matter what the price.

DenizDesaad

Thanks, Marvin!

And thanks very much for the extra effort, Jimmie! Much appreciated!

JasonAQuest

I'd boil that down to:

To gain the truth, [character name] would have to give up everything else.

That leaves just a little bit of doubt that he'll do it, but we assume he will (right?)

The one thing I don't like about the "ties that b(l)ind" is that it's kind of a vague cliche... the phrase "the ties that bind" gets used a lot but I'm never quite sure what they mean by it: the hymn, the Springsteen song, etc.

Conceptually I like what you seem to be trying to get at with the father/creator line, but I'm not sure that "the truth about a father can destroy a family" is a strong/clear enough idea to base it on... what is this referring to ... what truth?

The "knowledge is like water...." line is a piece of folk wisdom that doesn't tell us anything specific about your story (except the general theme).

DenizDesaad

Beautiful, Jason. You're a peach! Thanks so much!

I'd explain more (especially after you were so thoughtful in your analysis!) but I suppose the point is seeing what each line evokes independent of the rest.

I agree that the 'ties that bind' is vague, as is the 'knowledge is like...'. I suppose it's something I struggle with a bit in these little catch-phrases. Keeping them open, vague, seems to invite the reader (in this case, editor) to participate a bit, perhaps provoking curiousity. Something like Ellis' "It's a strange world. Let's keep it that way." Another one I saw an editor call out was "Where were you when magic came back?" which is sort of vague and could be mean quite a bit.

Anyway, again, I appreciate the thoughts/discussions/corrections/impressions!

JasonFranks

Honestly?

If I was a commissioning editor*, the only one I'd go for might be

"If the truth about a father can destroy a family, what might the truth about creation do to mankind?"

The only one that gives me any sense of the story. The rest of them just sound like aphorisms. 

Here's a good article about the difference between a logline and a tagline. You need one of each. 

http://rwasd.wordpress.com/2013/06/06/loglines-and-taglines-are-different-and-you-need-both-for-your-novel-by-r-ann-siracusa/

* I am not a commissioning editor.

Owen_Jones

I'm with Jason, it feels like the only one leading somewhere.

marvinmann

Very useful article Jason.

DenizDesaad

Wonderful resource Jason, thanks for the clarification! Looks like, perhaps, I'll be able to have my cake and eat it to by using the murkier line as a 'tagline' and then something a bit meatier as the logline!

Thanks again, to all !